We hear secrets.
Break ups, affairs, illnesses, surprises, ‘night’ jobs, we hear a lot at Cherished Cherubs. But don’t worry, we are not about to air them, it remains confidential.
At Cherished Cherubs, other than co-ordinating babysitters we are often found supporting parents, cos it can be a tough gig.
Our phone calls are about parenting, relationships, and supporting through the hard times. These hard times can be sickness, work stress and relationship break downs.
It is sad to hear these stories and we really want to help everyone as we know happier parents make happier families.
I am no relationship expert, but I do listen, learn and have some experience, so here is my take on relationship break downs.
Before provoking or responding to arguments, or making any rash decisions, here is what I have learnt to look at first…
- What is the action, or lack of action that is annoying you?
Be specific, if it is a few different things see if you can pin point a similarity.
e.g. is it a particular action, is it the way they are speaking, is it the mood they are carrying, is it a lack of communication, is it their absence, is it their social circle?
- Does this trigger a particular emotion and response from you?
e.g. do you get frustrated, jealous, feel under-valued, insecure, do you say nothing, do you quickly escalate in your outbursts
- How are you feeling?
Are you tired, stressed, particularly fragile for any reason, having side affects of any medication?
These emotions can affect our perception’s and exacerbate our reactions.
- What action do you want?
What is the action they can do to stop this issue?
To what extent does this have to happen for you to feel happier, would it be daily, weekly?
- Why is it important to you that they do this? What emotion is attached to this?
e.g. Sometimes it isn’t about taking the bin out, it may be showing a contribution toward the chores, it may not be about making you a cup of tea, it is about showing consideration and showing care for you.
- Have you been clear in your wants and needs?
We may be clear in our mind and we may have expressed it in a way that is clear to us, but the other person has not understood it that way.
Perhaps they haven’t put as much focus on the issue as you and not view it as important.
- Is the other person actually even picking up on the cues?
If you are sending non-verbal signals, they often go unnoticed.
Are you holding the emotion and words inside so they may not know how it is affecting you?
- Is this action important to the other person?
If the action is not relevant to them then they will not be inclined to action things.
If you are important to them and they can see it is important to you then you may get success, but they need to know why it is important to you.
- How is the other person feeling?
Are they distracted with work, stressed about something, not sleeping enough, is there something going on in their head you are not aware of?
As with you , this will influence their actions and reactions.
- Is there room for negotiation on the outcome?
All relationships need some give and take, is there something you can let go of, or is there another strategy that can be put into place?
Who has to make the changes, and how long will the adjustment take?
- How much do you want to retain this relationship?
Is the relationship salvageable? Is there a certain outcome that will make or break the relationship? Are there terms or a time frame that you need to set, for yourself?
Is it in alignment with your partner, and how do you know this for sure? Do you know or are you presuming where they stand on this, and are they willing to put in the effort?
Is it better to walk away or live in a toxic environment?
- How are you going to discuss this with your partner in a productive setting?
The time and setting can have an enormous impact on the outcome. Time that is not rushed or interrupted and is free from distractions is best.
This means no television or phone, no kids and no time agenda. Out of the home can be beneficial, dinner is an ideal setting, but perhaps a brunch works better if night times bring tiredness and a busy house.
Working through these questions should give you some clarity, and perhaps some direction. These questions may be useful to work through together so the issues are addressed in a less toxic manner.
Whatever choices you make and direction you choose, you are giving your children experiences that will also affect their future relationships, so choose carefully.
Good luck, would love to hear if you have used these guidelines and of your outcome. If you need a babysitter to create an ideal setting call us, we would love to care for the kids so you can improve your relationship.
